The month of February found me working with stories gathered from assisted living personnel and children with elderly parents. It's been a long interest of mine to understand the complexity of late adult love and sexuality.
Many parents never talked about sex with their children and the silence has lasted a lifetime. Many adult children assume their parent or parents no longer have sex and have no interest in it only to get jarred into reality when they learn that mom or dad has a new friend at the facility. Or their mother finds out that dad, who has alzheimer's and lives at the facility, has a new girlfriend at the facility. Recently Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner revealed the story that her lifelong husband who has alzheimer's has fallen in love with a resident at his facility. Now not knowing who Sanda is, he spends his time at the facility with his new friend.Justice O'Conner's response to this has been to still visit him every Sunday and to have lunch with he and the new girlfriend.
Here is a story I encountered when I spoke on late adult sexuality at a Knoxville facility fifteen years ago.
Having just finished my presentation, I noticed an elderly couple standing nearby seeming to be waiting till the other attendees had left. Finally after the last person walked away from me, the man and woman came up and said, "'We want your opinion on something." They took turns sharing their story.
Both had spouses who had been permanently institutionalized for several years with severe alzheimer's and no longer recognized them as their spouse. The couple with me said they had begun a friendship with each other due to having to deal with similar situations, and gradually over a years time had fallen in love with each other and were sexually active. Both said they felt very guilty about this relationship since their spouses were still alive and quite sick. The question they asked me, "Do you think we are wrong to have done this?" I swallowed, took a deep breath, and tried to deal with what I was asked the best that I could. I basically tried to avoid answering the direct question I had been asked and tried to talk about their fears and concerns. They were afraid of their children finding out and how their kids would react to the news. They were concerned about other friends finding out and judging them, and they especially were afraid of the personnel at at the facility finding out. They were carrying a huge burden.
I talked with them for about 20 minutes; I asked non-judgmental questions and tried to listen well. By the time the conversation ended I had not answered their question and they returned to it. Finally I responded with, "who am I to judge you?" "I know this is a difficult situation to be in. I hope that you find an answer that allows you remember the love you have for your spouse and honors the good in your present relationship. If you can come to peace with these two things then who am I to judge you."
I returned home and still after 15 years I remember their story as though it were yesterday. As I interview assisted living personnel now I realize that the complexities of love, forgiveness, and understanding continue right up to the end of life. Some say it's even more complex in late adulthood.
